What really turns women on?

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What really turns women on? A student doesn't want opinions, he wants proof. He got it.

Q: I'm writing a paper for my creative writing class in college in which I'm attempting to explain what male attributes are especially attractive to women. Of course, women want men who are kind, attentive, and considerate. But what about other attributes? What attracts women more: brains, appearance, money, fame, or power? I have my own opinion about that, but I don't know how to prove it. Obviously, I'll receive a better grade on my paper if I can offer conclusive evidence to substantiate my opinion. Can you help me? Thanks, Andy.

A: I hate to criticize, Andy, but if you have difficulty figuring this out, I sincerely hope that if you ever become a doctor I'm not one of your patients! Gee whiz, isn't the answer obvious?

Exhibit One: I present to you Anna Nicole Smith. If her name doesn't ring a bell, she's the young, luscious, overly endowed bombshell who wed a decrepit, shriveled old prune of a man with one redeeming quality: he was a billionaire. How many Playmates of the Year wed guys who look like they belong in a nursing home? None — unless that guy is exceptionally rich.

Exhibit Two: I present to you Hollywood movie stars, whose appearance, money, and fame suffice to attract an unending number of beautiful women who throw themselves at those stars even when the stars treat them like dirt. For example, Charlie Sheen is reputed to have slept with over 5000 women, and some of the women he's thrown out like yesterday's trash are mouth-wateringly gorgeous. If any guy has slept with 5000 women, or even 500, it's clear that he's just using them as a sexual receptacle. Judging by the rumors, that hasn't dissuaded many women from chasing after ol' Charlie.

Exhibit Three: I present to you sports stars and recording artists who have fame, money, and sometimes looks, too. However, even when they're dumber than a caveman, that evidently doesn't deter too many women, even when those guys are drug addicts, boozers, half-crazy, or perpetually in trouble with the law.

Exhibit Four: I present to you the ignoble Bill Clinton, and other politicians of his ilk. Power? You bet. When in office that guy had thousands of nukes at his whim and call. Fame? Of course. Appearance? Women drool over him, even though his morals are loathsome. He's a serial adulterer, an alleged rapist, a proven liar, an embarrassment to his family, and someone you'd never trust if he were alone with your daughter, but yet he is the object of affection for countless women. Go figure.

Exhibit Five: I present to you myself. I graduated in the top 1% of my class in medical school, and I'm exceptionally creative. I can make a robot that cooks, bakes, and mows your lawn. I've made dozens of medical devices, and numerous other inventions. I can turn wood into objects of art that are mesmerizing. Let me put it to you this way, Andy: if women really valued brainpower, I wouldn't have been alone last Saturday night.

Q: So you're saying that women are more attracted to men who are famous, rich, handsome, and powerful than they are to men who are smart?

A: Yes, that's exactly what I said. Again, it's obvious. By the way, I don't completely agree with your implicit assumption that women prefer men who are kind, attentive, considerate, and otherwise nice guys. I wish that were true, but I've seen too much evidence to contradict it. For example, I've done some things for women that are so special I bet that not one man in the history of the world ever did the same thing, but the recipients of those things were evidently so spoiled that they seemed about as excited as if I'd just given them a box of paper clips. Like many other men, I've noticed that when I bend over backwards to woo a woman I usually strike out. I think women are programmed to lust after men who treat them like dirt (remember Charlie Sheen?) and to reject men who treat them like royalty.

Q: How can you conclude that? Charlie Sheen is also rich, handsome, and famous, so perhaps it's just that women are drawn to him for those reasons.

A: OK, instead of using him to prove my point, I'll use a much more quotidian example: me. I can give several examples of how I got nowhere by really trying, so I gave up. When those women saw that I was no longer calling and showering them with gifts and attention, then they would begin chasing after me. I can't stand women who play such games, and I view their sudden turnabouts as conclusive evidence that they're game players. A couple women wouldn't take no for an answer, and they called me so often and pursued me with such vigor that it bordered on harassment. Twice, I was so frazzled and exasperated by their rabid behavior that I'd hang up when they'd call. Did such rudeness repel them? No, they wanted me even more! Isn't that nuts?

Q: I see your point. Now that you mention it, I have heard of many other similar examples which show that nice guys finish last, and women go gaga over men who are jerks.

OK, I have another question. Do you think women are more drawn to men with a great body, or men with a handsome face?

A: That's another easy question. For the vast majority of women, facial attractiveness is far more important than the rest of the body. In fact, women often prefer men who sport some flab because that makes women feel less self-conscious about their own bodily imperfections.

Q: Let me apologize in advance for asking such a personal question, but why aren't you married? You're a doctor, so you must have some money. Isn't it your contention that women are drawn to men with money?

A: Of course they are, in general. I've dated some women who undoubtedly would have turned their noses up at me if I worked in a factory, but when I realized they were gold-diggers who loved my wallet — not me — then they didn't seem very appealing any more. In short, a woman who is drawn to money is not the type of person I'm seeking. I don't like snobby, high-maintenance women.

I'll briefly consider other attributes:

Brains: I've already presented evidence that most women are indifferent to brainpower.
Appearance: I have the exact opposite assemblage of attributes in this regard that women want. Most women want a guy with a really cute face and a so-so body. I have a so-so face, and a body in very good shape.
Fame: Millions of people have heard me on the radio, but I'm not famous. Ask an average person on the street who I am and virtually no one will know. I enjoy anonymity, so that's fine with me.
Power: Me? I can't get the trash man to put my trash container back in its correct spot!

I put some stories in my first ER book about the encounters I've had with women who were drawn to me because I'm a doctor. Some of the things they said and did might seem unbelievable, but keep in mind that those are the type that'd throw themselves at Charlie Sheen, too.

Q: You present a very convincing case for proving that women value appearance, money, fame, and power over brains and perhaps even personality. However, most guys aren't rich or famous or powerful or especially attractive, and yet they get married. So why not you?

A: I'll you an analogy. A man recently offered to give me $65 for one of the electronic stethoscopes I made. That device is worth considerably more, so did I sell it? Of course not. When people have a remarkably different view of the value of something, no sale is made. I want a woman who has as much to offer as I do, and when I find her, I'll marry her. I don't think that I'm asking for too much: a down-to-earth, loving, interesting, and intelligent woman in good shape and at least a so-so face who has her head screwed on straight.

If you're a single woman who meets my criteria, I'd love to hear from you!

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