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Dr. Pezzi wonders, “Why are attractive women as rare as dodo birds in emergency rooms?”
After a decade of ER work, I can recall having had less than
a dozen attractive female patients. Considering the countless thousands of
patients that I've served, this fact is truly amazing and deserving of formal
study. A considerable amount of money is spent every year on the research and
prevention of accidents, yet I've never seen anyone look into the reasons why
attractive women seem to be virtually immune to diseases and accidents that
might cause them to need emergency medical treatment.
There's recently been a lot of hullabaloo in the press about
the link between beauty and genetic superiority. The upshot of this research is
that beauty is, if nothing else, a marker for good genes that confer a host of
desirable traits, not just skin-deep beauty. If this theory is indeed true, then
it may offer a partial explanation for my empirical observation that attractive
women rarely need treatment in an ER. There are certainly more mundane
explanations, but they alone cannot explain this phenomenon.
If you're a beautiful woman and you've actually been a
patient in an emergency room, I'd like to hear your story to consider it for
inclusion in my next book of ER stories. Burst my bubble of incredulousness and
get published at the same time! Send your anecdote to me via this page:
www.myspamsponge.com/doctor.php
Interestingly, over five years after its inception, only five
women who opined that they were attractive have submitted stories. Perhaps my asseveration (about there
being an inverse correlation between a woman's beauty and the likelihood that
she'll be a patient in an ER) is not as flip or as baseless as it might seem.
Nevertheless, my observation smacks of political incorrectness and—like most
conclusions that are true but politically incorrect—it has ruffled some
feathers in a very predictable way. After having more feedback on this
issue than I ever imagined (and certainly enough to draw statistically valid
conclusions), there are five basic groups of responses. Specifically,
they are from:
(1) Men who work in emergency rooms who've written to say that they've observed
the same thing.
(2) Women (many of whom do not work in an ER) who take umbrage at my
observation irrespective of its veracity. If you fall into this category
and wish to send me a scathing e-mail message, please note that I'm swayed by
facts, not pouting.
(3) Attractive women who agree with my observation. Such respondents
sometimes pass along their conclusions about why a pulchritudinous woman is less
likely to be an ER patient than a woman who is not a beauty. Here is a
synopsis of just one of these conclusions: attractive women are more
likely to have physicians as friends and family members. In anything short
of a true emergency, those women generally prefer to call upon a doctor that
they know personally rather than wait for hours to be treated in a busy ER by a
doctor who may or may not be fluent with the English language, not to mention
the nuances of medicine. The foregoing gray-shaded text was a
synopsis; if you want to read the actual message, here it is:
I am currently reading your
book, True Emergency Room Stories (which is, by the
way, a great read) and I think I might have a viable reason for the
disproportionate amount of beautiful women who never visit an ER. Judging
from what I've understood from your book, I think by attractive you are
referring to the whole package (not a life-size Barbie with a Barbie doll-sized
brain). Aside from true life-threatening situations (i.e. MI's, strokes,
etc.), I feel that what many people would view as an emergency is relative to
their degree of education as well as their socioeconomic position
(notwithstanding the "dirtbags" you mention early in your book).
I also feel that the proportion of beautiful women is very high in the above-mentioned
group.
You mentioned that you wondered "why attractive women seem virtually immune
to diseases and accidents that might cause them to need emergency medical
treatment?" Fairly educated people, with a basic understanding of
diet, healthy living and hygiene most probably also have an internist (not to
mention a veritable cornucopia of other specialists, as well).
Any potential emergency situations are usually identified when they present
themselves and are treated—rather than let progress until they actually are
emergencies. It's no surprise that successful, well-educated
professionals are more likely to get their "pick of the litter" when
dating and selecting a spouse (i.e., the "good catch" theory—which I
can expound upon later in another e-mail, if you're interested). Their
social circles are comprised of other doctors, lawyers, etc. so when so-and-so's
wife/girlfriend cuts her hand slicing a bagel, they simply call so-and-so's
friend, the plastic surgeon, to meet in his office or hospital to take care of
the matter. Attractive, well-educated people avoid the emergency room at
all costs. It is the equivalent to grocery shopping in an ghetto
supermarket, both because the quality of care is a crap shoot and the
element of people that wait the interminable wait alongside of you leaves a lot
to be desired.
As elitist as this sounds, it's true. I come from a family of physicians.
I personally have never been to an ER as a patient. I don't know any of my
girlfriends who have, either. We've been lucky enough never to have been
involved in serious accidents, but I think you'll agree that many if not most
serious accidents involve a degree of stupid behavior. In essence, pretty
girls have doctor friends and family. And if you're wondering . . . yes, I am.
(4) People who suggest that this phenomenon under
discussion is a reflection of the fact that my conception of
beauty is more restrictive than that held by other men. The proliferation
of "rate me" sites (in which people rate a succession of people's
pictures on a scale of 1 to 10) on the Internet has allowed me to scientifically
test whether this is true or not. By comparing my assessment to the
average rating, I know that my notion of what constitutes beauty is fairly
typical. The only time that there is a significant discrepancy is due to
the fact that some men evidently think that every young woman who is
slender and shows off her belly button or cleavage is automatically a 9 or a 10 even if
she's just a skinny young plain Jane. In summary, except for that one
exception, my overall assessments are similar to the average scores that are
tabulated from thousands of men. Therefore, I offer this as proof of the
fact that this "beautiful women aren't ER patients very often"
phenomenon is not attributable to the fact that I possess an unreasonably
high standard of beauty. Not true. I can walk into a store and see
more attractive women in ten minutes than I saw in ten years in the ER.
(5) Two people who propounded that ER patients
understandably don't look good because of the very problems that caused them to
seek emergency treatment. Not surprisingly, neither of those respondents
were ER doctors. In my opinion, a good ER doctor should be able to
automatically make an allowance for such circumstances and should be able to
intuitively see what patients would be, sans the injury or illness.
Want an example? Years ago I had a young lady as a patient in the ER after
she'd been in a horrific car accident that mangled her face. If most
people saw her they would probably wince in disgust, but I was able to instantly
realize that she would be very beautiful once her face was reassembled. If
I did not have this conception of the endpoint, how else could I have performed
the surgery?
Another point that's even more pertinent to this topic is that most ER patients
do not have emergencies. If someone sprains her ankle or has a
bladder infection, will that degrade her appearance? Of course not.
It goes without saying that there is nothing—not even an emergency—that will
cause a woman to instantly gain 100 pounds or to develop facial wrinkles that
were created by decades of cigarette smoking. Consequently, if I think
that such a person is unattractive, it has nothing to do with her
"emergency."
(6) Several people have written to me suggesting
that attractive women must occasionally cut their fingers, thus making them
likely to wind up in an ER. First, take a look at the gray-shaded
text in #3, above. Now look at my experience. I've
performed about every imaginable emergency surgical procedure on thousands of
people but I've treated only one attractive woman with a cut finger. It
doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that attractive women often get
someone else to do things for them that entail a certain amount of
risk. If you've ever taken a college class that explores the nexus between
genetics and behavior, you don't need to be told that men trip over one another
in their haste to mix their genome with that of beautiful women.
Furthermore, there is no shortage of rich men waiting to open up joint bank
accounts with women who are very attractive. Thus, such women are more
likely to drive safe cars instead of old clunkers with bad brakes, and they are
more likely to live in safe neighborhoods in modern homes that have every
imaginable safety feature from electrical lines protected by ground-fault
interrupters to dishwashers that obviate the need for women to wash dishes
manually. And how many gorgeous women toil in dangerous factories or other
perilous jobs? Is there even one such person in the entire United
States? Incidentally, feel free to not treat that as a rhetorical
question.
__________________________________________________________
While I haven't given this matter a lot of thought, I can
offer another reason (in addition to the factors discussed above) for why this phenomenon
is operative. Let's begin by taking a look at a list of behaviors that are
under an individual's control:
-
smoking
-
drug use
-
alcohol consumption
-
poor diet (consumption of junk food or excessive caloric
intake, or both)
-
excessive consumption of soft drinks (I'm listing this
separately from diet since many people don't think of soft drinks when
they're thinking of their diet. However, I've met countless people who
consume a substantial proportion of their calories—up to 80%—from the
empty calories in soft drinks. Not surprisingly, this leaves very
little room in their diets for nutritious foods.)
-
inadequate sleep
-
inadequate exercise
-
risky behavior
It is not a coincidence that people who abuse themselves in
the aforementioned ways do two things: degrade their appearance and
their health, thus increasing the chance that they'll end up in the ER.
Conversely, people who take good care of themselves are more likely to be
attractive and healthy. It's no surprise that healthy people who don't
engage in risky behavior rarely have a need to visit the ER.
Here is what one ER
nurse wrote in response to the above:
"When I first read your opinion about beautiful women
not coming to the ER I was going to disagree, but I think you may be on to
something! I am an ER nurse, and I really don't see a lot of nicer-looking women
coming in. I am a woman, so I really never paid much attention. I will tell you,
I was offended by that statement at first because I had to go in as a patient not very
long ago, and I'm a pretty attractive person! The more I read, the more I agreed with you. I went to be seen and taken care of by my docs, who are also my
friends. Well, I thought I would pass my views on to you." (Name
withheld by request -- hey, this is a controversial subject!)
While I contend that beautiful women
are less likely to become ER patients, it's obvious that some ravishing women
have been treated in emergency rooms. Here are some of them:
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This
Ph.D., a former Miss Coors Light, has been to the ER, too. Several times,
in fact!
(Sorry to break your heart, guys, but she is married.)
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Donna Backshall is
intelligent and, as you can see, exceptionally attractive. As you
undoubtedly know from her inclusion in this forum, she has also been to the ER.
In her first message to me, she described how her appearance elicited an unusual
response from the physicians who treated her. Were they solicitous?
Flustered? Addled? You can find out by
reading
her submission, after which I discuss one of the hazards of being
arrestingly beautiful. |
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Trish combines Hollywood looks with a Mensa brain.
She's witty, too. What more can you ask for?
Interestingly, Trish told me about one of her friends who, in
12 years of working full-time as an ER doctor, saw a grand total of three
attractive female patients.
Here is what she wrote.
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Beth has been to the emergency
room for a fractured arm, spider bite, and cat bite. She also had a
serious case of gastroenteritis/dehydration that necessitated a
week-long admission. During that time a male patient noticed how
attractive she is, so he sent his mother over to arrange a possible
date, which she declined. Beth has an MFA degree and a flair for art
that is evident in her
www.bethshortt.com site. |
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Another picture of Beth. |
Read more stories submitted by
attractive women.
Here is a rebuttal from another woman, and my response to her
Here is an interesting
story from a reader illustrating one reason (although a rare one) for the relative absence of
beautiful women in the ER
Here is a gorgeous woman (or so she claims) who attempted to
turn the tables on me
Here is a man who
thinks he's cornered the market on self-righteousness (seguing into the
Humpty Dumpty approach to medicine)

If you want a beautiful garage that is easy to
keep organized, see the GarageScapes web site:
www.GarageScapes.com.
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